🫶 Self Doubt: When you doubt yourself, God doesn't doubt you.

Year of Breath Week 4

I’m 36-years-old. And I’ve been thrown back into my middle school era.

As a tween, I faithfully wore braces. When I finally had smooth and straight teeth, I vowed always to wear my retainer at bedtime. I stopped wearing my retainer in college because it was so embarrassing. After all, why would I want my roommates to know that I kept my teeth straight while sleeping? HOW MORTIFYING.

TLDR: I should have worn my retainer.

Fast forward to this week:

“Make sure you take your trays out when you eat or drink anything!” the hygenist reminds me as I zip up my coat.

I laugh and, embarrassed, inadvertently place my hand over my mouth.

Like I said: I’m back in my middle school era. Since I spent 20 years not honoring the piles of money my parents spent on orthodonics, I am now wearing clear Invisalign retainers to fix a couple of decades worth of tooth resettlement.

A few days after getting my trays, Wednesday night rolled around: Time to volunteer with the middle school youth group. The girls I get to hang out with are funny and quirky. They’re a body-spray blend of self-consciousness and confidence.

Once we split from the raucous large group room, a small group of girls plop on vintage couches and giggle at their inside jokes.

My hand rises to my mouth again. Are they giggling at my teeth?

My husband and parents have reassured me that my clear retainers are barely noticeable. “YOU’RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE ME!” I shout in reply as I run up the stairs and slam the door dramatically¹.

I’m 13 again.

And yet I’m also parenting a 13-year-old son, one who is taller than me, one who mumbles and finds wearing winter coats mortifying and thankfully wears deodorant. One who just had his first seventh-grade basketball game and coincidentally has a perfect smile.

I dive into our short time together, glancing at the leader handout.

We watch a video of the absolutely incredible Simone Biles bravely sharing about self-doubt and the twisties during the Olympics. We talk about Moses, who doubted himself and doubted that God would really want to use him.

We get momentarily sidetracked. I give them free unsolicited advice to ALWAYS WEAR THEIR RETAINERS. One girl asks me if I have to get spacers from the orthodontist, and I say no. She asks if I can still eat Skittles, and I say yes.

“Here’s the truest thing,” I tell them. They stop doodling and look at me.

“We all — even the world’s best athletes or the most incredible leaders — doubt ourselves sometimes. The Bible is FULL of people who doubted (themselves or God or both). God still believed in them. God still worked in their lives.

When you doubt yourself, remember: God isn’t doubting you.

No matter if your doubt comes from worry about what has happened in your past or what will happen in your future, God isn’t afraid of it or going to turn away from you.

Don’t give up on yourself — the One who made you isn’t giving up on you.”

I read today in The New York Times that midlife spans from 36 to 64 years old. As a newly-minted 36-year-old, this induces panic. I am now in a group with my parents?! BUT I HAVE A RETAINER!

My husband and I load up our kids into the minivan after their Wednesday night church shenanigans, and I think about the conversation I had with the sixth-grade girls. I realize, in some ways, I was talking to my younger self.

When you doubt yourself, remember: God isn’t doubting you.

This week, we’re exploring loving ourselves, our kids, and our God through doubt.

Our time together features:

• Breath prayer

• Scripture

• Reflection Prompts

• Weekly Playlist

• Words to Remember

• Wallpaper

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